Most bar and club DJ’s are pretty cool. But, no matter how hard we try, some people still try to annoy us. Here’s a handy guide on how to annoy a DJ:
1. “PLAY SOMETHING GOOD…SOMETHING WE CAN DANCE TO!”
The DJ has to play for more than one person…so what you hate may be another dude’s favorite song . Your inability to dance to a song doesn’t make it bad – it just means you don’t like it. So, learn to dance or leave me alone.
2. “PLAY DANCE MUSIC!”
No sweat. Did you prefer house, breaks, techno, trance, jungle, or DnB? The term “dance music” is a pretty specific one. Dance music is a specific sound, and it’s for sure not that shit you hear on the radio.
On a related note, ladies, rubbing your butt into some dude’s junk is NOT dancing – it’s a standing lap dance. Downtown, you’d get $40 for that kind of thing. Don’t get all indignant when you get touched by the dude after grinding up on him – you basically jerked him off and didn’t finish. If you didn’t want to send that message, you probably shouldn’t have rubbed up on his junk.
3. “WOULD YOU PLAY SOMETHING WITH A BEAT!”
Are you fucking kidding? Go back to the bar or stay on the short bus.
4. “I DON’T KNOW WHO SINGS IT AND I DON’T KNOW THE NAME OF THE SONG, BUT IT GOES LIKE THIS….”
PLEASE don’t sing for the DJ. They have to put up with smoke filled rooms, feisty drunks, and entitled assholes all night. Do us a favor and DON’T give a rendition of your favorite song. More importantly, we probably can’t hear you over the floor, booth monitors, headphones, etc…. Which is probably good. That’s why we just smile and nod and ignore you.
5. “EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT!”
DJ’s get paid to program music for the bar that will satisfy the largest number of the patrons possible. If people are staying, buying drinks, dancing, etc… chances are that’s what most of them want to hear. The music will change when the crowd no longer responds to it – not when you think it should.
6. “EVERYBODY WILL DANCE IF YOU PLAY IT!”
The people that are dancing on the floor have the right to tell me what people will dance to. If they’re dancing to what I’m playing now, that’s the direction I’ll keep going. I’ll change directions when the current one stops working. If you want the DJ to take your request seriously, be dancing and then come to the booth and ask for it.
7. “PLAY SOME HIP-HOP!”
No. Now fuck off.
8. “I WANT TO HEAR IT NEXT!”
The ONLY people who can get away with that statement write the DJ’s paycheck! I don’t care how cute you think you are, how much you whine/whimper/beg, how much you bat your eyes at me, how many times you push your boobs onto my arm/back, or how often you send your boyfriend to “Bro, Bro, Bro” me. It’s not your call. Also, seriously, don’t get way up in the DJ’s face/ear to request the song. You’re invading my space, you smell like booze and Marlboro lights, and frankly, you’re not that hot.
9. “WHAT DO YOU HAVE?” or “WHAT’S COMING UP NEXT?”
It’s a lot easier for you to go have another beer and figure out what you want to hear. As to what’s coming up next, sometimes I don’t know until about 10 seconds before I drop it. When it drops, you’ll know.
10. “HEY, MAN, NOBODY CAN DANCE TO THIS!”
It’s NOT advisable to say this when the dance floor is packed (but some people do anyway). Also, not every track is DESIGNED for you to dance to it. Sometimes the DJ will intentionally “crash the floor” to give people a break – there’s only so much people can take without having it feel like an Olympic event. Sometimes, the room simply isn’t ready to dance. There’s absolutely NO sense in playing great dance tracks when there’s 8 people in a 200 person room – there’s just not enough energy in there to make it work. DJ’s get paid to know this – trust us. We’ll rock the floor when the floor is ready…
11. “PLAY IT SOON, BECAUSE WE’RE LEAVING “(or “But I missed it! Play it again!”)
If your gonna leave after he plays it, why shouldn’t he wait till the very last song so you stay all night! The only schedule a club DJ will listen to is the one that starts with Happy Hour and ends with last call. Come early, stay late, dance and buy drinks, and you’re well on your way to having a good time. Have fun – that’s what you spent an hour in front of the mirror for anyway!
12. “Oh my GAWD! Why are you playing techno!”
Yeah, so what? Open your mind and expand your horizons. If you wanted to hear radio tracks you should have sat in the car.
13. “Oooh! I know! Play (insert really obscure or novelty track here)! That’d be great!”
OK, couple quick points here. Novelty tracks have their place and time, but they should be used VERY sparingly and I’d say in 95% of situations, they’re simply not going to work. Hava Nagila works great at a Jewish wedding or Bar Mitzvah – not at a club.
14. “Yo yo yo. Can you switch it up, yo?”
“Switch it up” is usually code for “I hate what you’re playing regardless of the format, the crowd response, or the set design, so my selfish ass demands you play my favorites instead.” Here’s a great response for you – no. You want to hear all of your favorites when you want them and in your preferred order? Buy an iPod and sit in your living room. Otherwise, have another couple drinks and enjoy yourself.